I studied in a girls-only environment until I was 15. Despite being in a strict, stereotypical Asian household, I never went for a single tuition class, piano lesson or other paid classes that puts me in the same classroom with boys.

It was a culture shock when I moved to a mixed school.

My first impression of guys was how unruly they were. The students in the last few classes were the worst - skipping classes, smoking cigarettes, playing truant and sneaking out from school through holes in wire fences.

They were also unnecessarily loud.

I avoided them as much as I could. I didn’t respond to catcalls or my own name, because I was scared of them. They were unfamiliar.

I remember the guys in my class folding paper airplanes and throwing them at me until I stood up and shouted at them, “Enough is enough!”

There were rumors circulating that one of the guys had an interest in me. I won’t know if it’s true, but I did not understand why they thought making me feel uncomfortable was a way to show interest.

So, I only responded for group assignments, studies and the like until I graduated.

I Learnt to Do Things at My Own Pace

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Don’t ask me how, but I managed to land my first relationship amidst my fear of guys when I was 16. Granted, 95% of our communication was through texts and Facebook, and another 3% was on phone calls. He was in Melaka, and I was in Johor.

The remaining 2%? We met up when I return to my hometown. When that happens, I would be too scared to look at him, much less hold his hand or give him a hug.

Suffice to say, it is not a good idea to be in a relationship with a gender that you are afraid of.

I was dumped with a text message shortly before my SPM exams. It was my first relationship, and I was as heartbroken as you might expect. I couldn’t focus for my revisions, and I did not get the straight A+ results I hoped for.

Instead, I had 8A+’s and 1A. Damn you, chemistry.

For the next few years, I wondered if I would have gotten straight A+’s if not for the emotional roller coaster that I jumped into when I wasn’t even buckled in and ready yet.

I thought I was ready, but I should have known better.

I learnt that relationships weren’t something to rush into, especially when I wasn’t mentally prepared to maintain one.

With him, I knew that a relationship is a two-way thing, and I can’t expect the other party to do everything while I stay completely passive.

I Learnt to Stand My Grounds

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When I went to college, I started adjusting better to guys’ presence. They are much more manageable compared to those in what I like to call ‘the gangster classes’ in secondary school.

I was still awkward around guys, but soon I started laughing as loud as they do at the dirty jokes, play rough with them and give them the middle finger when they are rude.

I mixed in well enough to get into my second relationship, even if it lasted barely six months.

He was a bad choice and I knew it. He was my close friend’s ex-boyfriend and he showed interest in other girls when he was with her. A part of me knew it wasn’t going to work out, but I made the mistake of thinking that he would change.

He fell for another girl when we were together, after which he cried and apologized when confronted. I forgave him, but in a few months, he was getting close with a different girl and I called it quits.

I still rushed into this relationship because I was infatuated with him. It wasn’t surprising that we ended it that soon. It wasn’t a painful break up, because I knew we wouldn’t last.

I learnt not to act on infatuations and to listen to my brain when it’s telling me I shouldn’t. I learnt not to get into a relationship that will not be fruitful just because of some short-term high.

Most of all, I learnt that that a person will not change magically just because they are in a relationship. I learnt to look out for warning signs, and not to stick around hoping for a change.

With him, I knew what I did not want in my next partner.

I Learnt to Accept Rejections

After my second relationship, I fell for a few other guys, and shamelessly chased, pursued and confessed to them. I was rejected, and I was bitter about it for a while, but after that has passed, I was relieved.

I was relieved because I have tried, and I knew the outcomes. I never had to look back and wonder, “What if I had the courage to confess? What would have happened?” I confessed, I was rejected, I was bitter, and I moved on.

I knew being a girl doesn’t magically lead all my confessions into relationships, and so I learnt to confess with no expectations.

I learnt that sometimes a guy’s nice gestures don’t indicate a romantic interest in me, even if it did make me feel special because no one has treated me that way before.

I learnt to be bold, and I learnt to accept rejections and move on.

I Learnt to Practice All That I’ve Learnt

As cliché as it sounds, I met someone that felt right two years later.

They say the third time’s the charm, right?

This time, I didn’t rush. I got to know him well. I saw that he was hurt just as I was, but he was genuine, and almost honest to a fault. He was as unfamiliar with girls as I was with guys. I saw that he had a temper, and that he wasn’t perfect.

I didn’t expect him to lose his temper overnight, but I knew I could expect loyalty, security and that our efforts are going to be equal as we learn about maintaining a relationship together.

He drove 40 minutes to meet me every other day and made time for me. I pushed aside expectations, determined not to think that he’s interested from his gestures.

I was definitely interested in him, and I didn’t know if he felt the same.

So, I confessed before I returned to my hometown for a week. Meanwhile, he considered our relationship and I did not rush him.

We met when I returned. He accepted my confession and we were together.

Maybe it’s meeting someone who has had the same experiences. Maybe it’s finding someone whose maturity complements your own.

Whatever the case, I’m glad that I have learnt the lessons I did and met him when we have learnt just enough for us to explore more together.

Here's to us, Monkey boi. Cheers 💕