I studied in a girls-only environment until I was 15. Despite being in a strict, stereotypical Asian household, I never went for a single tuition class, piano lesson or other paid classes that puts me in the same classroom with boys.

It was a culture shock when I moved to a mixed school.

My first impression of guys was how unruly they were. The students in the last few classes were the worst - skipping classes, smoking cigarettes, playing truant and sneaking out from school through holes in wire fences.

They were also unnecessarily loud.

I avoided them as much as I could. I didn’t respond to catcalls or my own name, because I was scared of them. They were unfamiliar.

I remember the guys in my class folding paper airplanes and throwing them at me until I stood up and shouted at them, “Enough is enough!”

There were rumors circulating that one of the guys had an interest in me. I won’t know if it’s true, but I did not understand why they thought making me feel uncomfortable was a way to show interest.

So, I only responded for group assignments, studies and the like until I graduated.

I Learnt to Do Things at My Own Pace

Photo by Pixabay

Don’t ask me how, but I managed to land my first relationship amidst my fear of guys when I was 16. Granted, 95% of our communication was through texts and Facebook, and another 3% was on phone calls. He was in Melaka, and I was in Johor.

The remaining 2%? We met up when I return to my hometown. When that happens, I would be too scared to look at him, much less hold his hand or give him a hug.

Suffice to say, it is not a good idea to be in a relationship with a gender that you are afraid of.

I was dumped with a text message shortly before my SPM exams. It was my first relationship, and I was as heartbroken as you might expect. I couldn’t focus for my revisions, and I did not get the straight A+ results I hoped for.

Instead, I had 8A+’s and 1A. Damn you, chemistry.

For the next few years, I wondered if I would have gotten straight A+’s if not for the emotional roller coaster that I jumped into when I wasn’t even buckled in and ready yet.

I thought I was ready, but I should have known better.

I learnt that relationships weren’t something to rush into, especially when I wasn’t mentally prepared to maintain one.

With him, I knew that a relationship is a two-way thing, and I can’t expect the other party to do everything while I stay completely passive.

I Learnt to Stand My Grounds

Photo by Zun Zun from Pexels

When I went to college, I started adjusting better to guys’ presence. They are much more manageable compared to those in what I like to call ‘the gangster classes’ in secondary school.

I was still awkward around guys, but soon I started laughing as loud as they do at the dirty jokes, play rough with them and give them the middle finger when they are rude.

I mixed in well enough to get into my second relationship, even if it lasted barely six months.

He was a bad choice and I knew it. He was my close friend’s ex-boyfriend and he showed interest in other girls when he was with her. A part of me knew it wasn’t going to work out, but I made the mistake of thinking that he would change.

He fell for another girl when we were together, after which he cried and apologized when confronted. I forgave him, but in a few months, he was getting close with a different girl and I called it quits.

I still rushed into this relationship because I was infatuated with him. It wasn’t surprising that we ended it that soon. It wasn’t a painful break up, because I knew we wouldn’t last.

I learnt not to act on infatuations and to listen to my brain when it’s telling me I shouldn’t. I learnt not to get into a relationship that will not be fruitful just because of some short-term high.

Most of all, I learnt that that a person will not change magically just because they are in a relationship. I learnt to look out for warning signs, and not to stick around hoping for a change.

With him, I knew what I did not want in my next partner.

I Learnt to Accept Rejections

After my second relationship, I fell for a few other guys, and shamelessly chased, pursued and confessed to them. I was rejected, and I was bitter about it for a while, but after that has passed, I was relieved.

I was relieved because I have tried, and I knew the outcomes. I never had to look back and wonder, “What if I had the courage to confess? What would have happened?” I confessed, I was rejected, I was bitter, and I moved on.

I knew being a girl doesn’t magically lead all my confessions into relationships, and so I learnt to confess with no expectations.

I learnt that sometimes a guy’s nice gestures don’t indicate a romantic interest in me, even if it did make me feel special because no one has treated me that way before.

I learnt to be bold, and I learnt to accept rejections and move on.

I Learnt to Practice All That I’ve Learnt

As cliché as it sounds, I met someone that felt right two years later.

They say the third time’s the charm, right?

This time, I didn’t rush. I got to know him well. I saw that he was hurt just as I was, but he was genuine, and almost honest to a fault. He was as unfamiliar with girls as I was with guys. I saw that he had a temper, and that he wasn’t perfect.

I didn’t expect him to lose his temper overnight, but I knew I could expect loyalty, security and that our efforts are going to be equal as we learn about maintaining a relationship together.

He drove 40 minutes to meet me every other day and made time for me. I pushed aside expectations, determined not to think that he’s interested from his gestures.

I was definitely interested in him, and I didn’t know if he felt the same.

So, I confessed before I returned to my hometown for a week. Meanwhile, he considered our relationship and I did not rush him.

We met when I returned. He accepted my confession and we were together.

Maybe it’s meeting someone who has had the same experiences. Maybe it’s finding someone whose maturity complements your own.

Whatever the case, I’m glad that I have learnt the lessons I did and met him when we have learnt just enough for us to explore more together.

Here's to us, Monkey boi. Cheers 💕

I think monkey and I has always been somewhat frugal when it comes to our expenditures, even from early in the relationship which most would refer to as the 'honeymoon stage'. 

For him, I’m grateful.

Monkey and I has always been quite different.

I've always looked up to him, admired him even, for so many reasons. I'd always tell him that he was doing so well, that he's amazing for what he was able to do. It's not just because he's my partner. I look up to him because he... he manages. He pushes through.

Monkey knows he has a hot temper - he knows he can be super stubborn, and it is difficult to change his mind about something once he sets his mind to it. He knows perfectly well that he has a huge ego, and he's so confident about certain things that it almost makes him straight-up cocky. His redeeming traits? Plenty.

Whereas I put aside my coursemates from university, my hobbies and my family members aside just so that I can put more effort in caring for him and loving him, he juggles everything - relationship, work, studies, his passion for car stuff, friends from different groups, and of course, his family.

He does it well - he puts aside time for whatever he needs to, sacrificing some sleep time here and there, some personal time to play a few League games, and a lot more. Still, he could manage. He works well under pressure. With several concerning events happening at the same time, he maintains his cool. He was able to manage other stuff that he needs to.

In situations where I would have gotten panic attacks or breakdowns, he was strong. Irritated, annoyed, perhaps pissed off, but he would be strong and he would push through.

He always did.

He has friends. Actual friends who would be there when he needs them to be. Friends who would drive over with a single notice, friends who carried his bag and went to his classroom with him when he was on crutches for several weeks. Friends who would, if he said he had a car crash, turn right up and help him with anything he needed.

I can't think of a single person in my life who can do that for me other than Monkey himself.

He goes the extra miles - not just a single extra mile that anyone could do. He offers to help further, requests to learn more even if there is going to be no pay involved. He sources for things he knows his friends needs, even if it could be troublesome. He looked out for me and gives me plenty of information - who this new person in his life is, why I shouldn't be too close with a particular person due to their background, what he's going to be busy doing the next weekend and who he'll be with, etc.

He does this all as if it's a 'should', as if it's a 'basic'.

Sometimes, things like this make me love him even more than I already do.

Monkey might not be very book-smart - I sometimes tease him about not being able to remember how to say certain weekdays in Malay because he's from an international school - but he's definitely street smart. He plans for the worst even if it sounds ridiculous to me sometimes because it seems like something super minor to me.

But that's how he made it so far. He can break down a plan to me, and tell me what would possibly happen if another scenario were to happen. He would let me know why a certain action would be a bad move, why I should go another route, etc. And it works. When I go to him for advice, it makes sense. Sometimes, I start to think that he's thinking wayyy too much into a simple scenario and I end up getting me onto the wrong route he warned me about.

Of course, 99% of the time these worst case scenarios never happen, but he sure was prepared for it.

He can be really, really lazy when he's with me. Once he's settled in my room, there's no dragging him out of it for nice meals outside, no bringing him out for window shopping, no going to the movies. He doesn't update the Torn City newsletter preferences that gets him free 250 energy because he was lazy to do the 5-click procedure, and he could get that amount of energy with an in-game item anyways, so he didn't bother.

But if we were to be eating together and I didn't want to eat a shrimp because I felt too lazy to peel it, he would do it for me. If I wanted to get a drink from the fridge downstairs but was already too comfortable to move, he would get right down and bring it to me. When my grandparents are visiting for the first time, he offered to meet them and provide transport where needed.

Like some other dudes that I know out there, he doesn't have a very high EQ either. There are times when conversations were tactless, and he gives advice when I'm just looking to rant. He would push solutions to me when all I needed was a listening ear and a few hugs and kisses before I gather myself back up. He doesn't understand why I can't control my mind to be strong enough to avoid panic attacks, and he definitely doesn't get hints.

I might tell him that we haven't been on a vacation together in a while, and he would jokingly mention the next car track meet, or tell me about a vacation with his family instead of talking about a plan for just the two of us.

Honestly? He's dense sometimes.

But when I tell him straight-up that all I want is for him to listen, to give me some comfort, or just to have some quiet, alone time with him, he would understand and comply. When my panic attack still hits regardless, he would be there to keep me company. When I get anxious in big crowds, he would be there to hold my hand and walk in front of me to shelter me from the crowd - even if he doesn't like the crowds either.

He would be the one to bring out the umbrella if the sky starts to turn a little dark when we head out and massage my back when it starts to ache just before my menstruation starts. When I wake up from nightmares of him leaving me, he's always a phone call away. It wouldn't matter if it was only 11pm or 4am in the morning - he would be there.

*sighs*

I'll end this post here. I need to let Monkey know that I love him so, so much.